Archive for the ‘Adoption’ Category
Online Support: The Perfect Answer for Many Adoptive Parents
Support can come in lots of ways for people who have adopted children who have special needs. Talking to someone who “gets it” is one of the best things that we as adoptive parents can do to normalize our experience and feel like we are not alone. However, some types of support just aren’t possibilities for us during our most trying of days.
Here are some reasons why “real life” as opposed to virtual, online support aren’t possible for adoptive parents:
1) Traditional support groups require us to leave our homes. This requires child care. Many adoption support groups do not provide child care.
2) Traditional support groups that meet in person sometimes offer child care. However, sometimes our children simply cannot function in that setting — even if it is geared to special needs children.
3) Sometimes we are simply to exhausted to make ourselves look presentable. Even if we want to get out and go to a group, it would require having time for a shower and ttime to find clothes that match and don’t have holes in them, perhaps makeup or perfume… you get the idea. Sometimes we’re just too tired at the end of the day to get there.
4) If we can’t meet in person, phone calls are the next best thing. However, it is quite embarrassing to be talking to someone with the noise of a kid raging in the background or while being called a variety of interesting and colorful names by an angry teenager. After we’ve said, “wait, hold on a second” five or six times it just gets too frustrating to try any longer.
5) Having visitors would be another natural way to connect with others, but I know you can think of 30 reasons why THAT isn’t going to happen. At least I can.
6) Meeting another adoptive parent for coffee or lunch is a great idea IF all the kids are in school and IF the school isn’t calling to interrupt the lunch or coffee time to say that we have to come to the school to intervene, give advice, or bring them home.
So, naturally, those of us who have interesting children at home often can’t find support by going to a “real life” support group. We can’t have people over, go out to meet someone, or talk on the phone. Fortunately, there is the internet and now even those of us in the midst of the battle in the trenches can participate in an online group.
So obviously, after reading the paragraphs above, you should already be able to articulate these reasons why online support has been my favorite type in my fifteen years as a foster and adoptive parent:
I don’t have to get dressed up. In fact I don’t have to get dressed at all. I don’t have to go anywhere. I can do it any time of day or night, it doesn’t matter if everyone is awake, or nobody is. Nobody can hear the noise and chaos in the background.
I also find that the ability to write down what I am feeling (which often is required for online support) helps me understand myself more.
So if you are finding a need to “talk” to “someone who gets it” during the next weeks, why not check out online support options? List servs, message boards, blogs, and other avenues of online connections can be just what you are looking for.
If you have not heard, Adopt America has an online support group via Facebook. You can check us out by searching for Adopt America Network’s Support Group on facebook and asking to join. We’d love to have you be a part of our group. And remember … we couldn’t care less what you look like right now, or what your kids are doing or saying in the background, or if you have lots of energy or very little. We are definitely a “come as you are” group. “See” you soon!
Adoption – the Hood Family
My wife, Karen, and I have adopted ten children. We have children from Korea, India, Ethiopia, and from the United States. We used WACAP (World Association of Children and Parents) for our foreign adoptions. We went through Child Protective Services (CPS) for most of our in-country adoptions.
I would certainly encourage people interested in having children to consider adoption. There is definitely a need for adoptive parents locally and globally.
Being a parent is a big responsibility, which brings big joy and sometimes big sorrow. However, we now have 16 children, 10 adopted, 5 biologic, and one foster daughter. The satisfaction of seeing then mature into responsible adults is worth any hardship.
Keep smiling,
Dr. James Hood
Pitfalls of Adoption
This is National Adoption Awareness Month, and the 20th will be the 11th annual National Adoption Day. This year the adoption month theme is “You don’t have to be perfect to be a perfect parent.”
Kids were made to be in a family, with real parents. No family is perfect, and I don’t think I have ever met a perfect parent, have you? About the time parents near “perfection,” their children are all gone and living on their own. Though adoption is never perfect, I do think that parents who are considering adoption need to be perfectly prepared and informed before they take this big step.
Adoption is riddled with acts of love by all involved. And once understood and fully appreciated by the adopted child (usually in their 20’s), they will understand God’s desire to adopt each of us to be a part of His family. As pure and undefiled as this act is, the act of adoption can still have difficulties and struggles, just as God often experiences struggles and sometimes rejection by His children.
It may seem from my following thoughts and warnings that I’m against adoption, but the opposite is true. In fact, I sit on the board of directors of an international adoption agency and some time ago I regularly worked with adoption agencies as the CEO of the National Association of Christian Child and Family Agencies. But I have to balance my own zeal for adoption with my experience of dealing with hundreds of parents who have contacted me over the years after running into an emotional firestorm when their adopted child reached the teen years.
Most of my experience has to do with the adopted kids who have come to live with us at Heartlight — kids who were struggling with serious behavioral issues. In fact, about one third of all the teens who have ever come to live with us in our residential counseling program have been adopted. That’s a pretty high ratio, since we don’t target helping adopted children in our program. I’m sure that none of the parents thought that they would have to send their child away one day, nor anticipate that things would go wrong. But things did go wrong…to the point that the child could no longer live at home. That’s big. It’s bigger than just big. I would call it a crisis. It is a situation that no parent would hope for when adopt, but it is something to be prepared for.
I have had parents tell me that they wish someone would have asked them some deeper questions before they made the decision to adopt. And others who say that they wished they would have listened when someone did try to forewarn them about the possible future emotional struggles or mental and behavioral effects of alcohol or drug abuse during pregnancy by the child’s birth mother. Some have even shared how they wish someone would have stopped their adoption from happening.
So whose fault is it when something does go “wrong”? The adopted infant who, at the very least, had no say in the adoption? Or the older child when adopted, who out of a longing to have a family agreed to all conditions presented to him or her? Or the parents, who out of the goodness of their heart decided to bring a precious child into their family? Or the adoption agency that feels a call from God to help children and families by bringing them both together to fulfill one of God’s greatest plans? Or God Himself who created a world that has over 50 million orphans in it? You can figure all you want. But there’s only one thing that you have control over. As a parent, you can check your motives, see if adoption is right for you, and be prepared for everything that lies ahead. All things being equal among teens, the adopted child has more of a proclivity to struggle.
In fact, some adoptions cause quite a bit of pain and grief in the lives of moms, dads, sisters, brothers, and other relatives. But just because there’s conflict, it doesn’t mean that the adoption wasn’t meant to be. I believe that God uses all things, especially conflict and struggle, to work together for the good and bring about a good “end”. Your understanding of God’s faithfulness to you, should you find yourself in the midst of struggles in an adoption, will make all the difference in the world as you begin to understand what is happening around you. This understanding will usually determine how you respond, what you expect, and how you see the “bigger picture” of adoption in the life of your family, rather than just writing off something that was (and still is) so well intended, as just a mistake.
God has a plan. And if He has a plan for some people to adopt, He might also have a plan for some not to. I have met many people that have adopted. I have met many more that I hope will adopt. And I have met people who perhaps should not have adopted. Granted, it’s not my call. But it is my observation that some people have been motivated by wrong things, moved by emotion or a missionary purpose rather than logic and reason, and have made decisions about adoption that were not good choices for them. How do I know? They’ve told me, and these are the comments that I have heard:
“Why didn’t someone question what we were doing?”
“I think we got caught up in the excitement about adoption and really didn’t think about all the implications.”
“I never wanted this child, I was just being supportive of my wife’s idea.”
“This really isn’t what we thought it was going to be.”
“This child is destroying our marriage and ruining our family…what a mistake.”
“How could something that at one time felt so right…now feel so wrong?”
And because I hear kids who have been adopted say this:
“I always thought the biggest mistake was me being born….but I now think it was that someone allowed my parents to adopt me.”
“It’s almost as if I went from one bad situation to another bad situation, except people expect me to be thankful.”
“I’d rather go back to Ukraine (or any other country).”
“I don’t think my parents were supposed to have kids”
“Every one said that this was going to be so good…what happened?”
“Something’s missing, and I don’t know what it is.”
A little chilling isn’t it? I’m sure that the parents who adopted never thought they would hear those words come out of their mouths. And I’m sure that those who were adopted (whether they were older or younger) would ever think that they would want a different situation or family. But in my experience, for the most part, even the worst adoptions tend to resolve themselves when the child turns a bit older; when their brain is fully wired. The transitional adolescent years are when most kids rebel (if they are going to rebel at all), and adopted kids often have physical or emotional scars that can make this time of confusion many times worse.
When rebellion comes to the surface, seemingly overnight, parents can’t help but have an “I deserve better than this” attitude. After all, they’ve saved the child from a less privileged life. They’ve given the child their love, their home, and so much more. Now the child slaps them in the face? That hurts! So, it can be a time when emotions run high. That’s why it is so imperative for adoptive parents to know how to act and what to expect, and to most of all not take it personally. It’s not about you, it’s about the teen’s confusion and struggles. It requires a willingness to hang in there, even in the face of hatred and rejection. How severe or long that period is depends on the teen, but also somewhat how the parents respond to it.
Am I attempting to keep you from adopting? By no means. If the child isn’t adopted, they may live their lives without the presence and structure of the family to give them guidance, wisdom, love, hugs, birthday celebrations, and everything else a family offers. But be prepared for what lies before you, and don’t resort to thinking the adoption is a failure should the adopted child struggle through some pretty “heavy” issues in the teen years.
Adoption is a good thing, but it’s not for everybody. If I can get those who wouldn’t be good adoptive parent to choose not to adopt, then I have done a good thing by sharing these concerns. If they choose to go ahead and adopt, then I have also done a good thing by making them aware that issues might arise that they should be prepared to handle.
If you are considering adopting, pray about it, seek counsel, ask for honest answers to the difficult questions, and don’t get caught up in it as the “Christian thing” to do. By all means, don’t rush into it. Talk to people whose adoptions have gone well, and those whose have not gone well. Ask questions. Listen wisely. Proverbs 15:22 reminds us, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” My point is this. Ask many people about the adoption process that if that is what you are considering.
If adoption is right for you, then pursue it with abandon. But if it’s not, don’t hesitate to say so, and know that God has another plan for you, for the child, and for your family’s life. Make sure each spouse and any remaining children in the family are fully on board, not just going along with it. Make sure that what you’re doing is the right thing to do….FOR YOU, FOR YOUR FAMILY and FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. Because if it’s the wrong thing to do, the child and your family will both pay a great price (and I’m not just talking about money).
If you’ve already adopted, embrace that which is before you and know that God has not abandoned you if things aren’t working the way you want them to. I guarantee that He is involved. Remember, any issue that does arise, can be worked through, dealt with, and resolved. You can get on the other side, whether that is a change in your child’s behavior and issues, your issues that you brought into the adoption, or the way that you view those issues that have landed on your doorstep. It’s merely a new test, a new challenge, and a new opportunity for change, in the lives of all involved. There is hope. There are answers. So, if you are at that point, please don’t hesitate to call me. I can help you through these issues.
If you have an adoption story you’d like to share with me and possibly our readers, please email me at markgregston@heartlightministries.org.
Your gift can change this family’s life
Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute’s Angels in Adoption Program
Kim and Ben Green have made a difference in the lives of 11 children in need of a family.
You can be part of making a difference in their lives!
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Dear Friend,
Through our Angels Wings Scholarship Fund, CCAI provides grants to Angel in Adoption honorees who cannot afford the travel costs associated with coming to Washington, DC to participate in the program. During the three days, Angels have the once in a lifetime opportunity to meet with and educate Members of Congress, learn about advocacy and networking opportunities, and share ideas with fellow adoptive parents, former foster youth and professionals from across the country. At the same time, their stories serve as a means to inspire countless others to step forward and make the same difference for a child in need.
Each year we get more requests for help than we can provide. So many of these Angels give every financial resource they have to the care of their children or in furtherance of the cause. These scholarships are just a small way of honoring them for what they have done.
Please help us make it possible for the Green Family and others like them to benefit from the Angels in Adoption program. Make a gift today!
CLICK HERE TO DONATE by September 15th!
(CCAI is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization and all donations are tax-deductible)
Pictured above is the Green family, selected by Congressman Rogers as a 2010 Angel in Adoption. All of their 11 children are adopted! As one of this year’s scholarship winners, the Green family will be among the 132 Angels in Adoption attending this year’s events in Washington D.C.
Please visit our website at www.ccainstitute.org or www.angelsinadoption.org.
Do Adopted Kids Have More Problems?
You may have heard the news story this week – an adoptive family in Tennessee put their 7-year-old Russian-born boy on an unaccompanied one-way flight back to Russia, explaining that he had terrorized their family since coming to live with them. Now, the world is in an uproar over their seemingly heartless and careless act.
This family’s decision to abandon their child is totally unacceptable, I know. But I also know that adoptions can go haywire. Adopted kids may or may not have any more problems than any other group of kids, but I think they often present a different “mix” of problems. And those problems can often be more severe, with behavior escalating to the point where a child is out of control and dangerous to himself and others around him or her.
There’s no question that typical adolescent issues like belonging, fitting-in, rejection, connection, acceptance, and peer-relationships can become particularly prominent for some adopted kids. But there are other factors that can cause just as many problems for the child and the adoptive parents.
Adoption Issues to Be Aware Of
If the adopted child was born out of a high-risk pregnancy, there is higher probability that they were prenatally exposed to alcohol, tobacco and other harmful drugs. These impediments aren’t always unmanageable, nor are they untreatable. But just knowing that there might be issues down the road as a result of that exposure might prepare you for dealing with it later on. Many kids given up for adoption have come from high-risk pregnancies, exposing them to potential for developmental delays, impulsive choices, poor choices, attention deficit, hyperactivity, learning disabilities, and emotional disorders. There may be a higher risk as well for issues such as Reactive Attachment Disorder, other attachment issues, learning disabilities, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), logic sequence problems, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder.
Adoptive parents may also have to deal with anger and rages in their adopted child, just as the Tennessee parents have claimed. As a result, adopted kids might have to attend a special school, have special teachers, or need tutoring. All of this can be expensive and may go on for years. To make matters worse, an adopted child may not hug you or express love or appreciation the way you want.
But There’s Hope in Every Adoption
Am I an expert on adoption? No, not me. But I enter the world of adoption “from the other side” because I know and have helped more than 700 adopted teens who have come to live in our Heartlight residential counseling program, and I have listened to the 10,000 questions they brought with them. My search for answers to those 10,000 questions has led me to my own conclusions about problems that can come up with adopted kids. Sometimes their struggles may be the result of prenatal issues, but mostly it’s because we’re all people who carry some personal baggage, and we bring our wounded hearts into our relationships. We all are sinners in need of a Savior…and in need of help. I am convinced that no problem is too great for God to resolve, and no relationship too damaged for Him to repair.
Seminar
I believe that God in His sovereignty places orphaned or abandoned children with families on purpose. And what I have discovered is that conflicts that arise from adoption issues, whether on the side of parents or of the adopted child, can be overcome. God has a way of taking conflict and using it for our own good, and for deepening the relationship between parent and child. God doesn’t give up on us, nor does He send us back to where we came from. There are times that I believe that working through the conflict helps everyone involved move toward wholeness, and to deeper relationships.
It is good to understand the issues that surround adoption, for understanding brings a family to a different response, a calmer approach to handling conflict, and a platform to learn new ways for engaging with a child.
So, Why Adopt?
I want people to adopt. In fact, I sit on the board of an international adoption agency. But I want adoptive parents to know full well the issues that might come up, invade, or enter the relationship with their child. Perhaps if the parents in Tennessee had known more about the potential pitfalls, perhaps they would have been better prepared for the potential for struggle.
If you plan to adopt, just remember this; there is more to the portrait of your adopted child’s life than you will be able to see. You’ll play a very important role in that portrait, and the presence of conflict, disillusionment, or hardship won’t negate the purpose of the portrait. I believe that most change in a person’s life come through conflict, difficulty, and hardship. I also believe it is worth the struggle so that kids can live in families.
God bless those who choose to give a child a new home and a new family. If you are an adoptive family, may your home be a haven of hope for a child who needs you; may God’s beautiful provision for orphans reach down to you as well, and may He give you the strength to work through any future struggles or difficulties. And, as always, if I can help, please don’t hesitate to call.
HAVING DIFFICULTIES WITH YOUR TEEN? Join us April 22-24 for our next Families in Crisis retreat on the Heartlight campus. Go to www.familycrisisconference.com to learn more.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and executive director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents (www.heartlightministries.org). Mark’s books and tapes can be found at www.markgregston.com. Phone: 903-668-2173.
Copyright ©2010 Mark Gregston (www.markgregston.com). Post text may be reprinted without permission if used in full, including the credits and copyright, except for use in a book or other publication for rent or sale. Photos may not be reprinted at any time, other than the header art or photos of Heartlight product or Mark Gregston.
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